It was like every other aspect of the smash hit ABC television series “Lost”, where the only thing you can predict is that the unpredictable will win the day.
Four days before the highly anticipated final episode was broadcast, Anne Sweeney, Co-Chair, Disney Media Networks and President, Disney-ABC Television Group, called a press conference to announce that the finale would air live- shot in real-time- from Hawaii.
The announcement shocked the world. Not only did this mean that the finale would be of a style completely different from every episode that had come before- it also meant that the producers had the opportunity to reveal the final script in near real-time to the actors as the episode played out, adding a dramatic new layer to the show’s self-referential nature.
Reaction swung positive and large swaths of the show’s fan base took to the concept with feverish anticipation.
When the finale kicked off at 9PM Eastern on May 23, 700 million people in North America and Europe were tuned to ABC and ABC.com to watch the show unfold live.
Almost immediately, fans developed a strong distaste for what they were seeing. This coupled with an intense desire on behalf of many to believe that this massive disappointment was only part of the buildup to some greater, unimaginable metaconclusion.
But it was not to be.
The finger pointing and slow, open-mouthed head shaking will likely continue for generations, and we’re only at the beginning of that long and unfolding journey. This is a real 9/12 moment for hundreds of millions of people across the globe.
A proper journalistic treatment of this phenomenon is beyond our capabilities at the moment, but given the amount of animosity and violence out there, we feel it is our duty to present whatever information and insight we can into this matter.
Following are a series of viewer comments about the final, live episode:
Dan Gideon, cinematographer: “Right away, the live look of the show contrasted harshly with the slick, highly produced film look of the series. It really looked cheap. No contrast and like infinite depth of field, all washed out. And the whole thing was framed in wide master shots, making it painfully obvious how important all of the cutaways and closeups are to the show’s ability to sustain drama.”
Helen O’Grady, realtor: “I felt very uncomfortable watching it. It was that feeling you get when you see something failing so miserably it hurts to see. Like a terrible standup comic, or a gored fox on the side of the road by my farm. It also made all of those gorgeous actors look like C grade amusement park trash.”
Mike Hanrahan, web designer: “I really couldn’t believe how bad the special effects were. It felt like some kind of SNL parody as it was playing out, but even cheaper. Cheaper even than Mad TV was. The way the smoke monster was so obviously a smoke machine, and the way you could see the strobes and the multi-color lighting effects. And the thunder and lightning effects…”
Tim Tyson, doctor: “It really felt like a cheap stunt show at an amusement park. Especially the end, with that totally contrived 20 minute fight in the cove. With the speed boat chase around the dock, the jumping over barrels, the poorly timed explosions where no one was standing. I swear you could see bleachers out in the shadows.”
Jill Darko, ad sales planner: “Everyone’s talking about the part where Josh Holloway ["Sawyer"- ed.] jumped across the smoking barrels and obviously tripped and took a minute to orient himself. When he looked out at the live audience on the set and gave that “whoops, aw well” look out of character- instant permanent heart-melting moment. Chicks eat that up and Josh knows how to serve it.”
Dean Camen, composer: “The guy who plays John Locke, give him credit for really seeming to feel at home in that dinner theater action show milieu. When he was coming down from the smoke by the trees and his harness became obviously visible when some protective foliage fell away, he embraced the moment and let out that terror-inducing roar that I guarantee you, as a man who writes stories myself, with music- I guarantee you that roar was far and away above and beyond anything that the show’s writers could have imagined. And well beyond what would have happened if not for that moment when the guy who plays Locke made beautiful lemonade out of putrified shit.”
“It was a big miscalculation, end of story,” said ABC’s Sweeney at a press conference held on Sunday morning following an emergency Disney board meeting. “It was a terrible idea, pure and simple. Contractual details prevent me from going into any sort of detail about any other aspect of this situation. But suffice it to say that if I were not operating under a gag order, I would outright tell you who was behind the idea to do this to this show. And it’s not someone who works as an employee or assignee of the company I am responsible for managing, either.”
Representatives for J.J. Abrams’ Bad Robot production company issued the following media release: “May 23 was apparently not the end of ‘Lost’, as the next episode is already unfolding in what is shaping up to be the legal battle of the century. We’re going to take that entire company down by its oversized motherfucking ears.”
We caught up with Terry O’Quinn, who plays “John Locke” on the show, and he was happy to discuss the episode with us: “Part of the safety latch on the backup security line caught on the cable as I was sliding down to the beach for my grand finale, and I’ll bet that looked a little silly on TV. But I took it in stride and I think we gave the audience a hell of a bangup show that night. Let me remind you that those were live knives we were using in that sequence on the yacht with Dr. Jack Shepherd. It might look a little slower and farther away than a real fight when you’re watching it up close on your television set, but that’s real theatre up there, two old school pros- if I may- really dishing it up with a little something on the line to give the fans that extra pow!” He slams a knife into a prop wooden table for emphasis.
Events took a turn for the surreal when an Internet rumor began circulating that George Lucas, creator of the “Star Wars” line of prouct SKUs, was behind the decision to produce the final episode that way. Disney and Bad Robot issued an unprecedented joint press release the day after the rumors made it into the mainstream press (about a week after the meme had died down): “While our differences define us and we could previously imagine no circumstance that would cause us to respond in any sort of unified manner whatsoever, we want to make it crystal fucking clear that George Lucas had nothing to do with the season finale of ‘Lost’. You can print that, you can frame it, you can amend the fucking United States Constitution to contain this statement of fact made by The Walt Disney Company and Affiliated Companies and Bad Robot Productions, and include a provision that stipulates should either of those parties be found to have lied about this fact, that our family members’ lives will be on the line.”
We caught up with Steve Wozniak, co-founder, Apple Inc.: “George Lucas is batshit insane, really out there. I mean, I’ve got a reputation for being a little eccentric, but that guy is so far off the reservation it’s like he’s not even on the continent anymore. And he’s got no wagon hitch, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t put it past them that they’ve got another edition of the finale coming out soon with robots and stuff though.”
Nick Denton, owner Gawker Media (publisher of the Gizmodo tech blog): “To talk about this is to play right into their game.”
As for the numerous questions spawned by the show’s six seasons that were addressed in the finale, fans don’t seem to care.
A fan: “I just don’t accept that show as cannon, and I know I’m standing on the shoulders of giants with that admittedly controversial stance. But I don’t buy it. This is a highly policitized, poisonous atmosphere. All of the earthquakes, the volcano, the oil rig explosions, the Church scandals, the Polish plane crash, the market’s flash crash- you think those are really natural occurences or accidents? And do you really think the, quote, season finale that aired, which everybody would agree is far more horrible than any of those things on a comparitive level, was not part of some larger, cynical design?”
Another fan: “You know, I choose to go easy on those guys. The whole show for me was about the spirit of adventure, the quest for true love and the ultimate questions of free will, destiny, good, and evil. Truly great characters- like Hurley, Jack, Sawyer, Kate, Jin, Sun, Desmond, Charlie, Claire… Ben! Shit. He should have been much earlier in the li- oh, and Jacob- wait, can I start over? No? Really- no? Okay- really?! I feel kind of like Joe Lieberman getting shut down by Al Franken on the floor of the Senate.”
Perhaps the scandal and intrigue that engulf the live series finale are like the strangely rickety yet nevertheless deadly tendrils of smoke that make up said monster.
Perhaps the concluding “FOUND” title card, the unexplained last-minute substitution of Jason Bateman in Jeremy Davies’ role, the thinly veiled Michael Jackson tributes, the afterthought narration at the end of the episode that explains why none of the female characters were in the final episode at all…
Perhaps all of those serve as the perfect backdrop for MIB/reincarnated John Locke’s last line of the show: “Well we’ll just have to wait and see now, won’t we?”
And as it turns out, you just might have the chance to see ol’ smokey himself right in your own backyard. Said Mr. O’Quinn, “My contract indicates that the first three years will be at the Hydra Island stunt show in Anaheim, but that for the second three years, the producers are free to take the show on the road across America, and I’ll be there every stop along the way.”
As we put away our reporter’s notebook and audio recorder, Mr. O’Quinn fixed us with a chilling downward glance and then gave us a symbolic tip of an imaginary hat.
“Gentlemen,” he said. “I’ll be waiting for you at the Hydra Island power depot. And don’t worry: I’ll keep my knives nice and sharp for ya.”
EDIT: After I wrote this piece, this happened. Interesting.
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